Clearer

I adore myself like most of you do.
I have a negative habit to put myself in a tragedy and try to have an actual reason to be sad. Like I am the one have some kind of specialty or dilemma of childhood or something, and that's why I cannot smile properly in a group of smiley people.

I don't know when I begun to hold a fear of being judged by people. I remember what I am used to do is that try to steal my friend's opinions all the time, so that I wouldn't have to worry about being considered as an outsider and becoming misery. I didn't mind to be out of the girl's group like I am used to be, what I actually cared about was how people looked at me/ how misery they thought I was. That was probably the only thing I had thought about every day in my childhood. And maybe another thing was that I desired to be an animation main character Sailor Moon in a role playing in stead or playing Sailor Mars all the time. It was all about the dignity which any girl's group leaders have acquired.

I have found myself being much more relaxed at the point since I've seen the world cultures don't only persist those two words "shame" and "obligation". Perhaps I didn't even have the idea of the significance of having people knowing what is on my mind. Still I am confused in many things by being in-between my very Japanese family, well organized Japanese society and Western cultures surrounding me.

Sometimes I feel better when I find my weakness or being sick, being low, because these things could be the reason to excuse myself not being very motivated in everything. But when I see people who are extremely unhappy, I notice my foolishness spoiling myself. People are stronger when they sincerely think of someone else.

欠乏

自分の欲しいものが何か分からないというこの脱力感は何だろう。
久々にブログを立ち上げる気になってみたものの、やはり昨年までのように思うように言葉がなかなか出て来ない。何かを書きたがっている自分がいるからこそ、友人のブログを見て私もアップしようと思ったはずなのだが。

英語で書くから出て来ないのかと思い、日本語に変換してみたものの、表現が容易になったくらいで出てくるものに変わりはない。

カルガリーでの生活が辛かったために、自分自身リラックスしきっているのだろうか。家族や居慣れた環境に甘えているだけだろうか。

誰かのBiographyでも読めば、刺激になって人生観が変わったりするだろうか。最近また英単語帳なんかを通勤途中に開いて勉強しているのだが。何がしたいのかは分からないが、常に刺激を受けて成長していたいと思うから。

プールに入って、考え事をしながら長距離を泳ぐのが好きだ。周囲の音が何も聞こえず、邪魔されず、いくら泳いでも水の中で暑くはならない。泳いでいる人間を止めようとする人はまず居ないだろうし。

何かを理解するまで少し時間がかかりそうだ。

Be Simple

Being simple is the easiest way to live a life.
At the same time I think it is also one of the enjoyment to think, guess, imagine, struggle over and over again, and finally you will get to the answer. Every time you get to become a better person, you will have to get over the "slump". It seems like you can say the same in everything, like me played tennis, trial and error, finally succeed after all the attempts. You will never see the better before going through the bitterness.

I traveled around the world in more than 10 countries by myself since I barely spoke the international language. Maybe I am just lucky that I am still here with nothing bad happened accidentally in my journey. On my first trip when 18, I was stressed out all the time and just wished to return home right away. However I was lonely I had a reflection in each place I visited, and it was always after I left the place to notice what I have got there.

Honestly I am not sure what I was looking into the trip world. I wanted to see the great landscapes and people and the cultures over there, people I would meet and the time share with them, the fame of the bravery went abroad on my own, the number of the stamps increases at custom on my passport. Possibly I was just waiting for something could change myself.

Perhaps life is simple. Accept each singe day. You will meet what you are supposed to take. I don't call it a fate as I am not religious but there might be the way supposed to go. I don't try to look for things I lost, it will return into my hands if needed.

Lost In Words

I don't remember when I stopped to open my notebook and scrawl things whatever comes up on my mind. Probably I have been got occupied by work mostly instead of spending time out with my notebook and a pen, sitting on the grass, listening to music and sing it together.

I lost words. I don't know how to fill up one page in my note with my what words.

Am I that boring person? Got nothing to reflect in a day? Too easy to finish each day without thinking?

I just need to take a while till understand something has to be done to find the direction toward my own happiness before stepping on the next step.

What's Forever

There is always cycles in all natural creatures. But see, there is nothing eternal of human creatures. I cried every single time I broke up with any guys I met in my life, because it recognized me that I will never see them again in my life. It makes me happier to know that there is something stay with me entire of my life on the earth, never have to say good-bye.

The Orange Moon

I like night time, because it simply means my work is done at that time and go on my free time. Look up the sky and just be happy when there are more stars on the sky than the last day. Try to make sure the exsistance of "two rabbits pounding steamed rice into cake" on the moon. (apparently there are different legends what's on the moon in each country, and this is Japanese.)

It's such a lovely quiet moment no one disturbs my own time, never like at work have to run to the phone and pick up two or three lines at the same time, whenever it rings even in my break time. Of course, I want to enjoy the time longer and stay up late, as always I will regret the next morning when I find my face marked by sleeping on my laptop and the messages left on MSN "hello? still there?"

I remember once I used to love morning. Finishing work in an Izakaya at 3am, going to a bar upstairs of my work and meeting our customers by accident who we have kicked out earlier, heading to a Karaoke and going home riding on my scooter with the orange dawn coming up from the Yokohama port side dazzling my eyes. That's all about my student life, and I liked seeing the dawn as if I was the one only knowing the beggining of the day in Japan.

If you are looking forward to the next day, you will love to meet the morning. If not, I am sure you will find yourself relaxed when the moon is on the sky high instead of the sun brings you a new day.

I was shy when I was a child, but I could only sing a song in front of the moon and the stars, because I knew that they would never judge me in anything.