Clearer

I adore myself like most of you do.
I have a negative habit to put myself in a tragedy and try to have an actual reason to be sad. Like I am the one have some kind of specialty or dilemma of childhood or something, and that's why I cannot smile properly in a group of smiley people.

I don't know when I begun to hold a fear of being judged by people. I remember what I am used to do is that try to steal my friend's opinions all the time, so that I wouldn't have to worry about being considered as an outsider and becoming misery. I didn't mind to be out of the girl's group like I am used to be, what I actually cared about was how people looked at me/ how misery they thought I was. That was probably the only thing I had thought about every day in my childhood. And maybe another thing was that I desired to be an animation main character Sailor Moon in a role playing in stead or playing Sailor Mars all the time. It was all about the dignity which any girl's group leaders have acquired.

I have found myself being much more relaxed at the point since I've seen the world cultures don't only persist those two words "shame" and "obligation". Perhaps I didn't even have the idea of the significance of having people knowing what is on my mind. Still I am confused in many things by being in-between my very Japanese family, well organized Japanese society and Western cultures surrounding me.

Sometimes I feel better when I find my weakness or being sick, being low, because these things could be the reason to excuse myself not being very motivated in everything. But when I see people who are extremely unhappy, I notice my foolishness spoiling myself. People are stronger when they sincerely think of someone else.